The fight is never about grapes or lettuce. It is always about people. -Cesar Chavez

As a woman of color I've always been mindful of my voice. Not too loud, Selina. Slow your speech, make them hear you. Time to code switch, look at who is around. Don't be too quiet, but don't talk too much. Do you sound angry?

For whatever reason lately, I've thinking about all the moments I didn't have the right words. Like when I moved (before coming to KC), I only really knew one person in that city and so I was excited that about a month in a new co-worker invited me to grab brunch, just the two of us. She was new to the organization and had been very nice, she even asked me a lot of questions about my experience and the job. We had the same position, but I was a senior manager and was supposed to help people new to the role. I walked into the restaurant and naturally did what many POC do in new spaces, I surveyed. I identified the exits and noted that every other face, with the exception of a server, was white. Take note of who's around you, Selina.

I don't remember much about the conversation before or after, but I quickly realized the purpose of the brunch wasn't to get to know me, but rather to confront me. Unexpectedly, through tears and a cracked voice she tells me "you talk to me like you're a therapist and that is very triggering for me, because I've been through therapy because of things that I've gone through... You make it seem like I don't know anything." She kept talking, but I looked around and saw so many white faces looking at me, they look disgusted, confused. Watch your face, Selina. I could see them wondering what I had done to her. It was leveled seating, so it felt like I was in a public arena with everyone watching me. I wanted to be annoyed, hurt, upset. I wanted to check her and say "you were literally asking me questions about the program" and "I've been doing this job for 3 years, when you asked me what I thought I was telling you what I thought and not once did I doubt your abilities. I don't know you and you don't know me." and "well, I'm not a therapist, that is just how I talk. And yeah, I've also had trauma and been through therapy soooo GTFO" But I couldn't. Keep your cool, Selina. I was way too aware of all the white faces looking at me sit across from her and her tears. I didn't know this woman and I felt my anxiety grow, so I did what I had to. I apologized for making her feel that way. Our server came over and asked if we were OK and I was overly nice.

I know this woman now to be an advocate and was always a good person. She uses her power to amplify the right voices and leads in a way that I believe is fighting for equity. I think she put in the work and has learned. But sometimes when her name comes across my timeline I wonder if she thinks about that brunch as much as I do? Does she know how traumatizing that was for me and how I question my own voice because of it? In that moment she had all the power. She probably had valid points, but because she had taken me to this public place to cry I was unable to process. I could only think about how little I felt. How I lacked power in this moment. How she had taken my comfort and trampled over my excitement and replaced it with anxiety. I always thought about this moment, but it wasn't until lately that I processed it.

There was a protest in which I was surrounded by mostly white faces, nearly everyone was wearing a mask, little kids with BLM posters, it was glorious and I thought 'they get it' but couldn't stop myself from thinking "but do they really get it?" Personally, I have a lot of work to do. I'm not infallible in this work. I must think about all the ways in which I might enable racism or overlook anti-blackness. I must continue to find my place in the movement and hold steady, while using my power to amplify the right voices. But I know this work is hard, and complicated and POC, Black people have been doing it for a while and sometimes people think they get it and they don't. Protest are great. Kneeling in solidarity can be powerful. But impact and change will also happen when that work extends beyond social media and into to your your interactions with neighbors, co-workers, and policies. It is in the ways you talk to your kids about racism.

When you ask ‘Why?’ remember that George Zimmerman should have been convicted of murder for the unjust killing of Trayvon Martin, or better yet, maybe if there had been accountability for Emmet Till we wouldn't have gotten to George Floyd. It’s been 142 days since since police used a no-knock warrant which resulted in the fatal shooting of Breonna Taylor.

American systems only respond when Black Americans embarrass them into action. It is one of the greatest shames of this country, that Black people, people whose stolen labor built this land, are consistently treated so inhumanely, and America has to ask itself...why only a viral consumption of black suffering can actually bring action?...but justice is impossible at this point, because the only just thing would be if Ahmaud Arbery were alive. -Brittany Packnett Cunnigham, co-founder of Campaign Zero

Pictures are from KC Voz’s Brown Pride for Black Lives March & BLM Rally. To those non-black folks that I marched with don't stop. It was the bare minimum of what we can do, but it is a start. It is our responsibility to speak up, donate, to not allow family and friends to go unchecked on their explicit and implicit anti-Blackness and racism.

To my Black hermanos, tu lucha es mi lucha, because all lives won't matter until BLACK LIVES MATTER. I see you. I hear you. I fight with you. I will center your voice, call out injustices and continue to educate myself and others on the anti-blackness that prevails. Know Justice, Know Peace!